I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
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she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
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The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
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