Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
