If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
