it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
