I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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