well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I am midnight drunk by noon
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
