Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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