plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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