Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
