Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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