just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
