She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
