We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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