im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
You are a genius and a whore.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
