i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Randomize
