Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
