During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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