Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
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