im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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