Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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