Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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