Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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