apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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