Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
