Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
