so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
