i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
