3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
The uberlube is also flammable
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
