VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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