I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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