Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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