my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I came so hard my ears popped.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
