Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Randomize
