We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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