this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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