he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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