i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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