My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
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