So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
