I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
