Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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