my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
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