Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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