you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
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