Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I have feelings that need drinking.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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