tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
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I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
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Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
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