I just threw up on my dentist
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
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He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
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Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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