She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
