I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
