Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
PANTIES FOUND
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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