Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Randomize
