In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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