Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
