I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
