i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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