How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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